secret journal

journal entry no.1

hi, my name is ????. maybe if you know where to look, you will find the name. or if you know me, you know it. i'm sure it doesnt matter anyways, no one is reading this. im not sure why and for what purpose i am writing this. nobody will ever see this, right? the world is complicated, i am complicated. i need an outlet. i need a place to scream into the void. i hope this can be that place. i really hope so.

the time is passing at a scary rate, while mentally i feel like a teenager, and hell i probably act like one, truth be told i'm already in my mid 20s now. im at an age i shouldn't even be considered "young adult", i am at an age where i am considered a "proper" adult. but honestly? im not that. nowhere near that. will i ever be that? who knows. maybe one day.

i don't like this world. everything feels scary, and i feel like a missfit. im unsure if i have undiagnosed issues, or if im just simply childish, or both. i'm unsure if i even want a concrete answer to that. i know i am different, and i know im not like most people my age. is this a problem? im not sure. but it certainly is to a degree. i have no ambitions, dreams, or anything similar. i simply want to be left alone, to rot in my room. im not very social, and quite frankly i'm not very mature either. this is likely holding me back. which means i need a change. but im not sure if i want a change. i like how things are now. or at least that is what i am trying to convince myself. the real truth? probably somewhere inbetween.

do i have a barrier i don't know how to brek? or am i just different? who knows. i surely don't know. i'm not sure if i wan't to know. keeping a job has been difficult. anything i've ever tried has been boring, repetitive and understimulating. which has resulted in me never giving my maximum. i need a job, but it's hard, when i'd rather just not do anything. while other people my age at this point have multiple years of work experience, i maybe have a few months. am i really that incompetent? who knows. i don't.

my family doesn't help. not that they know how i feel, or that i'd ever feel comfortable telling them, despite our good overall relationship. but being told that i act "like a child" sometimes, or that 2X year old shouldn't react the certain way if certain thing occurs is definitely not helping and definitely doesn't make me want to discuss with them about how i feel. i wonder what they would think about me, if they truly knew what is in my head. maybe its for the better that they do not know. but maybe they'd try help me if they knew. who knows. i don't.

but people that perceive me as immature, aren't really wrong when compared to what would be "expected" from me. i like cartoons, toy, and similar. well, in theory. i don't collect due the fear of judgement, and quite frankly not having the spare money.

i'm also the curious type, and i like technology and experiments, i'd likely end up trying circuit-bending the toys, and probably being sad if they break lol.

but yeah, everything feels uncertain, scary, and anxiety-inducing. i'm still not sure what i want to do, i'm not sure where i want to go. i'm not sure what i want to do with my life. i'm not brave enough to face life, and im filled with uncertainly. so for now, all what matters is that i lived for an another day. while NEET life isn't ideal. im not sad. and while sometimes i dread and feel like im wasting time, most the days i am kinda happy.

thank you journal, i will talk to you later. if i don't forget.